how to keep your armpits happy

Magic happens here.

Hi! So, there's no way around this one, it's gonna be TMI. Menfolk, I suggest you stop reading now.

Here, read about Chris Cooley rejoining the 'Skins instead.

Ok, now that we're alone: ARMPITS. I understand that I need them so that I then possess the much more useful arms and shoulders. I get that physiologically they have to exist. But I don't have to like them. Sometimes they smell. There's ... hair under there. They're probably the most ungirly part of a girl. I'm still baffled that we haven't developed some sort of an evolutionary trait that makes them smell like roses (I would settle for pumpkin pie during the fall months) and also dispenses money like an ATM.

"I don't NEED to bring out my purse tonight, I have my armpit teller machine!" Think of the possibilities.

...

So until Google gets on that and then Samsung tries to copy it, how are we delicate creatures supposed to handle these 'pits? Unfortunately I don't have the answers for every one of our underarm-related quandaries, but I have found the solution to one pesky problem: shaving.

Armpit hair, razor burn and all the other lovely attendants of follicular presence do not a happy nuptial day make. Can you imagine looking through your wedding album and seeing dark shadows where there should be nothing but light? Do we not all shiver at the thought? Is this not a more important matter than the election, global warming and the crisis in the Middle East?

Look, I'm giving aid where I can right now. I'm working on bringing I'm a Dinner Jacket to heel, obviously.

The answer to everyone's hirsuteness, my friends, is lasering. Lasering! We live in the future.

Lasering, at one point, used to be very, very expensive. With the advent of Groupon and the proliferation of the technology however, it's gotten to the point where it's within the reach of most brides looking to rid themselves of ugly 'pits forever. Can you imagine never having to shave them again? This is actually a reality. Let that sink in for a second.

I understand that it sounds very frightening. And I won't sugarcoat it: it hurts. But the benefits are huge. And most important: it works!

This morning Groupon put out a deal for Skin Spa, which is where I have gotten my bikini done (consider yourselves lucky that I didn't dedicate a whole post to that, kids) and where I am in the process of doing my under arms. I can vouch for the facility and if you're so inclined, inbox me with all your burning questions. But if you're curious to try, I suggest you buy now. Check it out here.

A few tips to remember:

- You will need 6-10 sessions for this shizz to work. This is not a one-off type of service. 
- It works best on dark hair on pale skin because the laser targets pigment. So, the biggest the contrast between hair and skin tone, the better your results. Blondes, you may be out of luck.
- DO NOT, I repeat, do not expose the area to sun for a few weeks after your session because this can screw with your skin pigmentation permanently. I do not recommend lasering during the summer for obvious reasons. 
- You can shave between sessions, but don't wax. This messes up the "hair cycles" and your results won't be nearly as good. 
- The pain level is tolerable, especially compared to lasering on your lady garden. But popping an Advil or two won't hurt. 

I wish you all a hair-free week!